I am writing to complain about your home alarm and safety system, which so far has been completely ineffective against my ex-boyfriend, Mario. He used to be a sweet, down-to-earth guy who was just trying to make a living as a plumber. Then he started eating these weird, spotted mushrooms and his violent tendencies have become out of control. Your attempts to protect me have been appallingly inadequate.
I need you to increase my security system immediately, and that means more than just an alarm on the windows this time. I live in a two-story castle, which I thought would be sufficient protection. However, Mario has gotten through your locked doors, jumped your lava moat, and killed my pet turtles. He even got past my guard-dog, Bowser, and made it right to my room. Fortunately, every time I hear him coming I arrange for a friend to tell him that I'm in another castle, but I've done that seven times now and I just don't think he's going to keep buying it.
Please send your best workers down immediately. Maybe the Hammer Brothers; I hear they're good with tools. Maybe next you could install some booby traps or something. I'm sure you will understand that I have suffered mental anguish and great distress as a result of your incompetent labor, and expect to receive these new installments free of charge.
Please hurry. I can see him out in the garden now, jumping up and down and squishing all of my flowers.